Because LIFE!

There’s a debate going on these days about whether or not it is okay to tell fat people or fat children that they are just fine the way they are. There’s this odd fear that if you do so, you’ll be condoning their “self-destructive” behavior…that shaming or constantly reminding them of their need to change is the only way to move them towards “health.”

Sounds a lot like the fundamentalist Christian attitude toward the LGBT community, but I digress.

Here’s the deal. No one has any right to tell another person how to live their life. No one has any right to shame another person based on their looks.

I am 5’6″ tall and weigh 213 pounds. I waver between a size 16 and 18. And I’m done trying to be something I’m not.

In the past week, I’ve begun choosing joy. I’ve begun looking for happiness in the body that I’m in, rather than hoping for happiness once I’ve changed. There’s no time for that; life is now! I have a trip to London coming up that I’ve been dreaming of since I was a kid. I couldn’t care less what my body looks like for it. I’m not going there to impress anyone. I’m going there to BE. IN. LONDON.

To just be. That is the point of life. To be you. And if you’re fat, be joyous. Why? Because you’re alive, you’re living, and there’s no one else out there that can live it like you.

And let’s look at the lean community’s blatant double-standard. They are so afraid of accepting fat people as they are because being overweight could shorten that person’s lifespan. So…what’s with all these extreme sports? How many lean people die every year from their dangerous sporting choices? A lean body doesn’t do you any good when something goes wrong on your base jump. But such obviously dangerous life choices are okayed and the newly-dead are celebrated because, as their grieving friends will say, “They died doing what they love.”

If we are supposed to celebrate someone who reveled in life-threatening behavior because it gave them joy, then stop staring judgmentally at the fat person enjoying an ice cream cone. You have no idea who they have helped, how much they are loving those who need it, and what contribution they are bringing to society in ways that have nothing to do with their size.

Life is to be lived as each individual chooses to live it. It doesn’t matter when you die as long as you’ve lived your life to your satisfaction.

Brightness

I’ve had several reminders lately to enjoy life and let go of the things that are unimportant such as my weight or broken dreams. I’m worrying less about making sure I get “my time,” instead looking for activities that fulfill me. Did you know they have roller skating at the Town Toyota Center these days? Oh, happy day. :)

This little video was just one of the things that has gotten me thinking this way. Enjoy!

Sea Change

I just got back from a wonderful weekend with my mom and brother. We talked about all kinds of stuff, saw “Skyfall,” and just plain hung out, enjoying being together. One of the things we talked about was my desire to change what I’m doing with my life. As a writer and actress, I really want to pursue the artistic side of me. The problem is, a full time administrator job makes it really difficult to channel energy into the creative stuff. A full-time job takes my best time. Don’t get me wrong. I am BLESSED to have my job and I know it. I wouldn’t even be able to consider a life change like this without all the benefits my job as afforded me. I just think I’d be spending a lot of my life in a sad place if I chose to stay for the sake of financial security. I don’t want to be in a sad place any more.

So…as of July 2016, I will own the shop that is on my land. At that time, I will be able to sell my house with the shop which will give me a great nest egg and business investment money. Waiting for three-and-a-half years will also allow me to really focus on saving money, scaling down what I own, and researching locations best suited to me and my arts and my family.

Where to start? Well, there’s so much excess stuff in my house, I think I’ll start there.

Adventure on.

Confidence

Confidence is a funny thing and hard to come by. I often worry and fear that the things I do or the choices I make are inherently flawed simply because, well, they’re from me. Where that comes from, I’m not sure, but I am working on overcoming it. I was really encouraged today by Greg from the “Inappropriate Conversations” podcast who gave “Greetings from Nowhere” such a great shout out.

It’s good to remember that we are all just stumbling along in our lives, doing our best to be ourselves and live in the moment. So, every day I walk a little taller. And so should you.

Life Musings

A good friend asked me recently why it brings tears to my eyes when I talk about not getting to be a paid actress–not getting to be in movies. I honestly didn’t have an answer. I think I may be grieving the fact that, while I did live in LA for three years and pursue an acting career, it didn’t work out for me. Part of me says, “If you just try again, sell the house and support yourself in LA for a few years, you can do it! You just have to be persistent.”

That may be true. But there are many extremely talented actors out there who are doing just that, have done that for years, and still aren’t paying the bills as an actor. There are no promises, no guarantees. And like with multi-level direct selling, 90% or more of those who try will not have financial success at this endeavor.

I think I can honestly say I’m not afraid to try–rather, I’m jumping at the bit. However, I wonder…is it worth it? Is it worth selling myself like a product (the part of the business that is a real challenge for me). I mean, it’s a business. It’s not an artistic endeavor. So then I have to ask myself, why do I act? Is it for money or for pleasure? Do I want it to be a business? Or do I want it to be my joy? Trying to have both by trying to get movie roles in LA is a lot like trying to get wealthy by playing the lotto.

Do I want to sell everything and pursue an acting career, move away from my family and start all over in a new town? Is it actually worth it? Or is life and the pure “doing” of the art sufficient? I am a professional actress, that’s my formal undergraduate and graduate training. Not making money from it doesn’t make it any less professional or genuine.

I want to live a good, true, whole life. I’d like to find a way to have the business side of acting and the joy side of acting come together. But I don’t think moving to LA is the way to do that.

Our own stories

I sometimes wonder if the things we dream of doing distract us from the lives we could be living. Who could I be if I didn’t constantly think of being a film actress? Life is a fluid thing. More like a river than a path which we can choose.

I’m not sure how to live my own story. I hope I can figure it out. Or maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I should stop trying to figure it out and start learning how to navigate the river.

Future Thoughts

Just had a lovely visit with my mom. She is such a joy to have around. We talked quite a bit about my thoughts on the future, including the possibility of returning to Los Angeles to pursue acting. It’s scary to think of leaving a safe, regular job. But reality is, the job I have is not what I love to do. And I’m blessed enough to be free to pursue what I want to do–I have very few local ties other than my sweet mom and my brother and his dear family. But it is scary. I have health insurance with this job and good pay. But it does take the prime hours out of my life every day to maintain the job, benefits and pay. I squeak in my writing for about 40 minutes to an hour each morning before I go to work, then I squeak in all my other loves (acting, derby, fitness) after work, when I’m already exhausted. So my choice is to either stay in this career for 20 more years to secure my retirement, or take a risk and go pursue the things I love.

So far, I’m leaning toward the pursuit.