Category Archives: Personal Discovery

Forging Beliefs

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I’ve been thinking about a couple years ago, maybe not that long, when I was struggling with the concept of hell. The whole idea of eternal torture was so antithesis to the character of Jesus. I was questioning the concept because I had so many new gay friends due to my podcasting on Greetings from Nowhere. Like with my grandfather who died potentially “outside of Christ,” I was questioning not God’s compassion, but the idea of hell in the face of God’s compassion. For some reason, I’ve never doubted God’s love. Everything in my belief system orbits around the love of God for humankind. For me, that’s what the head-learning of 35 years of Sunday school and church have boiled down to.

So hell doesn’t fit. And my battle with the concept was ultimately a battle with fear. If I chose to forge my own beliefs based on the Bible, would I lose my moral and spiritual anchor? Would I be lost?

I knew the truth was that nothing can snatch me out of the Father’s hand. And taking a leap of faith to believe that and walk in honesty to who God had made me and who he was leading me to become, was one of the scariest moments of my life. I should say “series of moments” because it took several conversations and a lot of thought to decide that hell didn’t exist. That in the end, God wins. All hearts and souls safely with him.

There are people who could quote chapter and verse to me as to why what I believe is wrong. But I worship God, not the Bible. They are his words, not himself, designed to be interpreted by each human heart that seeks him through them.

I just encourage my fellow Christians, and those for whom Christianity rings true, to not be afraid to follow God’s word in your heart. It’s the Holy Spirit’s job to lead you that way. Be brave. God will not let you fall.

A prank, a conflict and a kidnapped jigsaw puzzle

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So much fun at work on Thursday! I got blamed for a prank! Yay!

Most folks who know me know how much I dislike pranks. Primarily my dislike arises from having been the butt of pranks and being made to look stupid or foolish. No one likes that feeling although some people are able to handle it better than others. Not one of them is I.

So to get blamed for a prank or even just have the responsibility for rectifying it thrown on my to-do list on Thursday SUCKED. I mean, I hate conflict as it is! Conflict upsets meh.

Someone took Dirk’s (not his real name) food and hid it. That was the prank. SO funny, right? So Dirk comes to my desk and asks me where his food is. I got nothing and he’s not pleased. But I let it drop from my mind because I have stuff to do and I didn’t take his food. He needed to solve the problem himself. Then I get an email from Dirk stating that he will return the puzzle pieces when his food shows back up. I trot into the kitchen and see that all the unplaced pieces of a jigsaw puzzle several of us work on at lunch are gone.

That’s right. He’s holding half a jigsaw puzzle hostage.

It’s still not clear to me why his missing food is my problem. According to Dirk, I know how to make things happen. Why is this, I wonder? Because I’m an admin assistant? Oh, darn…I must’ve missed “Solving Everyone’s Personal Problems 101” in admin school. Not to mention, I’m not his department’s admin. Gah! To make things worse, as I’m composing a flaming rant email back to him, good ol’ Bubba (not his real name) walks into the mail area by my desk and leaves a box there. My friend, Doc (NHRN), has been drawn into the drama and goes to check what’s in the box. Big surprise…wait for it…it’s Dirk’s food. And Bubba’s now hiding in his cubicle.

What now to do with my flame email? If I tell Dirk his food has shown up, he’ll think I was in on it and made his food reappear and, dammit, I have too much pride to let that happen. I been wronged and I ain’t going to let him off that easy. So after editing my flame email down to an eighth of the content I first barfed onto the page (turning it into more of a charcoal email), I sent it, telling him, and I paraphrase: There’s a box here. I didn’t have anything to do with it. Leave me alone or I will talk with your supervisor, you obnoxious, rude jerk.

Dirk came and got his box, saying he knew I would find it as he walked by my desk, and I burst into tears and left. I had been really upset by it, mostly because I was being blamed for something I would never do. As I stood in the ladies room trying to get my emotions under control, I realized I needed to just hash it out with him. Dirk and I had been good acquaintances before this and I really didn’t want to lose that.

So I stormed back into the kitchen where Doc was trying to make Dirk understand why what he’d done had upset me. Doc gets 4 gold stars. I laid into Dirk, telling him that he was never to treat me that way again no matter how hungry he was. After hemming and hawing, he finally apologized and the situation was defused. He was truly sorry for upsetting me…didn’t mean for that to happen. I gave him a hug and blew my nose on his shirt. Okay, I only gave him a hug. But I wanted to blow my nose on his shirt.

What I learned was, as much as I prefer to avoid conflict, it is better to hash things out. I know if I hadn’t, I’d be feeling bad about this days later and our friendship would be ruined. So I’m really glad it turned out the way it did.

Doc and I spent our afternoon break turning the ransomed jigsaw pieces back over.

No, I’m not bitter. But thanks for asking.

Sea Change

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I just got back from a wonderful weekend with my mom and brother. We talked about all kinds of stuff, saw “Skyfall,” and just plain hung out, enjoying being together. One of the things we talked about was my desire to change what I’m doing with my life. As a writer and actress, I really want to pursue the artistic side of me. The problem is, a full time administrator job makes it really difficult to channel energy into the creative stuff. A full-time job takes my best time. Don’t get me wrong. I am BLESSED to have my job and I know it. I wouldn’t even be able to consider a life change like this without all the benefits my job as afforded me. I just think I’d be spending a lot of my life in a sad place if I chose to stay for the sake of financial security. I don’t want to be in a sad place any more.

So…as of July 2016, I will own the shop that is on my land. At that time, I will be able to sell my house with the shop which will give me a great nest egg and business investment money. Waiting for three-and-a-half years will also allow me to really focus on saving money, scaling down what I own, and researching locations best suited to me and my arts and my family.

Where to start? Well, there’s so much excess stuff in my house, I think I’ll start there.

Adventure on.

Confidence

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Confidence is a funny thing and hard to come by. I often worry and fear that the things I do or the choices I make are inherently flawed simply because, well, they’re from me. Where that comes from, I’m not sure, but I am working on overcoming it. I was really encouraged today by Greg from the “Inappropriate Conversations” podcast who gave “Greetings from Nowhere” such a great shout out.

It’s good to remember that we are all just stumbling along in our lives, doing our best to be ourselves and live in the moment. So, every day I walk a little taller. And so should you.

What the heck does “theory” mean anyway?

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I got into discussion with my fellow commentors on the www.johnshore.com blog regarding my belief in a created universe. I stated that once science began calling evolution fact rather than theory, I would do so as well. (For the record, I don’t have a problem with evolution. God can create in any way they choose.)

Well! I got an education on the word “theory” and what it means in popular understanding versus what it means in the scientific community. One poster pointed out that gravity is also a theory, but that didn’t make it any less fact. Couldn’t really argue with that. I discovered that the dictionary defines “theory” in several different ways, including both referencing theory as fact as well as theory as an unproved idea or concept.

Allie, a fellow commentor on the blog, gave me a great, layman’s definition which finally made sense to my brain:

“What you thought was a theory is actually scientifically known as a “hypothesis.”  Theory = proven, within the limits of science, which accepts that things regarded as proven today may come unraveled tomorrow. Hypothesis = what ordinary people call a theory.”

That helps me a ton! Thanks, Allie!

Love is the only thing that will never fail

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The more gay friends God places in my life, the more I have no room for judging them or thinking their attraction to the same sex is some kind of choice. You know what I see when I look at my gay friends? People. People with dreams, hopes, laughter, jobs, dirty diapers, family, dogs, cats, cars, loves, hates, homes…in a word…lives. What do I not see? Sex. That is as important or not important in a committed gay relationship as it is in a committed
straight relationship. It’s not the core. Love is the core.

I didn’t choose to be straight. I have simply always been attracted to men. The cute guy walking down the street today as I drove downtown caught my eye and kept it. Eyes on the road, Nik! They are great to look at. I never chose to be attracted to men. I just am.

It’s the same for every gay person I know. Even the ones who try to be attracted to the opposite sex to satisfy what their religion or their peers are pressuring them to do.

Condemnation will fail. Forcing one’s will on others will fail. Ridiculing others will fail. Judging others will fail. Attempting to correct others through fear will fail.

Love never fails.

Selah.

Kettlebells and Commitment

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I was learning how to swing a kettlebell last night at the Inner Circle Gym. It was exciting to learn something new and I realized that when using the correct technique to engage the right muscles and protect my back, I could safely swing a 35lb kettlebell. In my pride and fervor, I asked Adam (the teacher) how I should approach kettlebell swings when they were next included in one of the circuit classes I attend. He paused, then said, “Well, you wouldn’t want that to be the next time you swing the kettlebell. You would want to practice for a while first.”

I nodded, but inside I was not happy. Recognizing that reaction, I realized that I am at a crossroads in this fitness adventure. My goal has been to attend two circuit classes a week until it is an ingrained habit. I have done so for two and a half months. But practicing with a kettlebell would mean time outside of the circuit class. Practicing with a kettlebell would mean more commitment.

And that’s when I said to myself, “What am I doing here? Do I really want to do this? Do I want to be fit or am I just playing at being fit?”

I’m not trying to judge myself, but the reality is, if I want to swing a kettlebell during circuit, I need to face additional commitment as well as my food addiction. The circuit classes have gotten me a long way, but being able to add the swings means that some of the time I devote to eating and relaxation will need to be budgeted elsewhere.

I think I’m ready. But I’m not necessarily happy about it. More determined than happy, I think.

People are Cool

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I listen to podcasts. I like hearing about other people’s lives and experiences. What’s fun about podcasts, too, though is that you usually can interact a bit with the podcasters. I think that’s pretty neat. It reminds me of the days of the telegraph or the ham radios when you could actually interact and converse with people thousands of miles away. It’s amazing really!

One of my favorite podcasts is “Lula’s a Pubcast” with two gents, friends, one of which is the owner are bartender at Lula’s in Wilmington, NC. It turns out that Bryan (the bartender) is also an artist–a really good one. He offered to do drunken doodles for the first ten folks to email them. I landed on the list. Today, I downloaded the podcast and got to see my doodle. It’s great! I have wings! Which is actually a real encouragement to me because I’m searching these days for the right path for my future, spiritually, artistically and career-wise. This has left me feeling a little unsure of things. But knowing that I have wings and that I’m flying right by just having faith in God’s providence and love has lifted my spirits.

Thanks, Bryan and Jim!

(Please have Candace on again…she’s was perfect!)

Thrown out back

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Apparently, weeding is a lot of work. You wouldn’t think it by just getting down in the grass with your weeding tool and going at it. It’s an instant gratificaiton kind of job. In a relatively short period of time, you’ve burned some calories and cleared your lawn of pesky, yellow intruders.

I was doing fine until I bent over and picked up my 15 lb cat. My back siezed up and I quickly put him down. Not good. So not good.

But it’s better today. Next time there will be a lot of stretching and warming up before the weeding! I guess that’s true of any endeavor. We can’t just jump into things unless we’re into learning the hard way. Planning things out never hurt a thing.