Lost Ambition

I seem to have lost my ambition for pursuing my arts. Acting I do still love. But the writing (to which I was born) and the drawing (that I loved as a young person), I don’t seem to want to do. Scratch that…I do want to do them, but I don’t.

I do believe that it is just a decision. That with both of these things I need only choose to pursue mastery.  But that 8 hour day, damn it.  I love the fact that I have a good job.  That doesn’t change the fact that it wears me out and leaves me with very little energy in the evenings.  I have written in the mornings before.  That is how I finished my second novel.  So perhaps that is what I need to focus on.  The I am definitely not a morning person.

If anyone has any suggestions on how they motivate themselves artistically, I would love to hear your comments.

Lord!  I am a terrible blogger.  No one wants to read someone else’s whining!  Oh well, practice makes perfect.

Somethings Wonderful

Some wonderful things are happening in my life these days.

My niece moved in today, to live with me while she goes to school. This is very cool because I am privileged to be part of her life on a daily basis now. Full of wonder.

I also received a request from a fellow podcaster to be part of his podcast in a way that is incredibly honoring to me. Full of wonder.

Today makes me remember a comic from Tiny Ghosts



And if you’re not familiar with the webcomic, go read the archive now. You won’t be sorry.


This sounds cliché but I am working hard on letting myself just be myself. I’m a plus size woman and have struggled with my weight all my life. Then I see strong, healthy people like Paul Walker get killed in a car crash and I think, “What did all that fitness do for him in the end?” All this energy and thought time we spend on fretting over our bodies…for what? A few extra years at the end of our life that we are not even guaranteed? I think what is really important (despite that darned desire to just fit in) is that we are giving love and receiving love. I mean, really, if that is happening, if love is happening in our lives then our jeans size begins to shrink in importance, if not in reality. :) It’s hard. It takes fighting decades of ingrained thought processes that make me see myself in pieces and parts instead of how I see my friends and loved ones: as whole people. Their body size is of so little importance to me; I want to see myself that way, too. It takes a huge burden off to let that go. And is a great comfort.

The Foothills of Shasta

A wonderful Christmas was had early today with my dad, my stepmom and me. We had stockings and presents and tonight we will have crab for dinner. CRAB. I love crab. :) Also had fun trying to figure out how to minimize a maximized Safari window on the macintosh. Whew! It has been a really long time since I used a mac regularly. But the interwebs were there for me. We discovered that if you click at the very top of a maximized screen, that the diagonal arrows in the top right corner will return and you can bring the window back to normal. Sheesh! Touchy little thing, this mac. I still hate Windows 8, don’t get me wrong. But figuring this one out was NOT intuitive. And I had two mac users in the room with me! Why computer companies hurt us so?

Otherwise…CRAB! Can’t wait for dinner! Hope you are all enjoying your holidays!

Circuit Class for One

Soooo…one of my worst nightmares is the idea of personal training. I really can’t imagine working out with one person watching you and pushing you to do more and more. It’s kind of like…hell.

I got to circuit class tonight and as time ticked away and the start time came and went with no one else showing up, the young trainer and I took a gander at each other. I had already been in one of Jesse’s circuit classes and he’s a good teacher and leader. It’s just that there’s usually more people. Like…Lots. More. People. It’s easy to hide and modify what you’re doing as you lope along after all the gazelles. But you need a bunch of gazelles. Otherwise there’s just no cover.

Intensity is my middle name.

Intensity is my middle name.

Jesse looks to be about, oh, 20 years old. He’s got a bright smile and kind eyes. Actually everyone at Inner Circle is awesome and when I realized it was just him and me, as the theme to “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly” played in my head, I thought, What the hell. Bring it.

And it was kind of awesome. Whereas in a circuit class full of people, I can’t keep up and have to modify everything, Jesse created a mini circuit just for me. Rowing, box step ups, lunges, squats, body weight rows…all things that were right up my alley. And he did all of them with me. I kept thinking this was probably equivalent to sitting in front of a TV for him effort-wise (he’s super fit), but I just kept going. And when we had done three sets of the mini circuit (he said only THREE SETS), that kid had the AUDACITY to say…”One more set! I think you can do it!”

Oh, good God! He’s doing the personal trainer thing! With his big smile he was like a happy puppy wanting to chase the Frisbee again. And of course I had it in me. I was really glad he pushed me, actually. It reminded me that I’m capable of so much more.

And now I’m sore. But in a good way. :D Tomorrow morning will tell that tale.

Spam, oh Spam

I got the following text in slightly varying formats from three comment spammers, hitting old blog posts about my cats, holiday fudge and a poem store poem. Seriously:

I comment whenever I appreciate a post on a site or if I have something to add to the discussion. Usually it’s caused by the sincerness communicated in the article I browsed. And after this post BLOGTITLE. I was actually excited enough to drop a thought ;-) I do have 2 questions for you if it’s allright. Is it just me or do a few of the responses come across as if they are written by brain dead folks? :-P And, if you are posting at additional places, I would like to follow everything new you have to post. Would you list every one of all your public sites like your Facebook page, twitter feed, or linkedin profile?

You can’t even take the time to edit the space where you’re supposed to personalize it by putting in the title of the blog? Good god. Someone help me. Glad to know they find me so sincer! And yes, all three mentioned those braindead folks.

Battle of the Mind

It is so hard to battle my own mind when it comes to body image. I believe that changes in my body will only come when I learn to love and accept myself as I am. I know not all conventional wisdom goes that way, but for me, the more I’ve disliked my body, the more it has remained as it is. Honestly? I am healthy and beautiful, so if I don’t accept that simply because my body doesn’t conform to the cultural norm, I will probably remain where I am.

I am not limited by my body. Therefore, I will look at the world outside for opportunity, not naval gaze and despair.

This means quashing negative thoughts the minute they enter my head. All it takes is passing by a mirror for those negative thoughts to hit. It’s like a game of Missile Command in the ’80s where you have all those lines coming down on your forts and you have to shoot them out of the air as fast as possible. While Missile Command gets harder each round, I don’t think negative thoughts are as resilient. They will be for a while, but as I get better at defeating them, they’ll become less and less. Here’s hopin’! :)

Girl Gets Moving

Me Jumping Jack

Workin’ it out!

So I got back to Inner Circle Gym today for the circuit class. And…ouch! Talk about hurts so good! I’m really glad I’ve signed back up; the owners Cathy and Adam are so great and encouraging. I’ve missed being there and I’ve had enough distance (two years about) to decide that I really want to stay active. After several squats and work with kettle bells, I had to hobble away from the group and get on the stationary bike–my quads were barkin’! But into the third round of exercises, I was able to get back into the swing of things. When I got back to work, facing the stairs was quite the horror. However the elevator was way too far away to make going up the stairs unpalatable. So I zombie shambled up the stairs and headed back to my workstation. Honestly…that circuit class is so good but for the first time back in 2 years, it made my body feel a bit like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wBqM2ytqHY4

And, yeah, that’s how I drove back to work. ;) On the undercarriage, yoga style!