Lucky Chance

I can’t remember the circumstance that prompted it, but I recently had the classic Christianese thought: “There but by the grace of God, go I.” It means, if God hadn’t put me in such a good life, I could be where that unfortunate person is.

It was probably in my head due to thinking about ISIS and the horrors of extremist religious oppression. Knowing what a rule-follower I was as a child all the way into my early thirties, I thought if I’d been born into that extremist Islamic culture, I would be one of those women who was all about following the rules I was taught unquestioningly. I might be waving a gun around, patrolling the streets looking for rule-breakers, and cheering on horrific acts. There but by the grace of God…

Or I might’ve been thinking about Liberia and the Ebola outbreak where people don’t have access to the same excellent health care I do. Where they have to hide the fact they or their family members might be sick so that they aren’t ostracized. There but by the grace of God, go I.

But now I’m questioning that, simply because I know God loves us all perfectly and equally. Is it really loving to pick and choose which soul gets born into a safer, clean environment, and which gets born into a slum? Or is it kinder for God to allow chance to take place, to allow for blind luck?

Am I blessed? Or am I just lucky? I think the latter may be more fair from a Christian point of view. God may know when a sparrow falls, but it doesn’t say he chooses which sparrow will fall.

If I am not blessed, if I am just lucky, some of my specialness is taken away. That may be a good thing. It doesn’t change God’s love for me if I was not specially chosen to have the privileged life I do. But it can introduce more humility into my heart. These days I feel more lucky than blessed. And I don’t think God’s offended at all by that.

Lost Ambition

I seem to have lost my ambition for pursuing my arts. Acting I do still love. But the writing (to which I was born) and the drawing (that I loved as a young person), I don’t seem to want to do. Scratch that…I do want to do them, but I don’t.

I do believe that it is just a decision. That with both of these things I need only choose to pursue mastery.  But that 8 hour day, damn it.  I love the fact that I have a good job.  That doesn’t change the fact that it wears me out and leaves me with very little energy in the evenings.  I have written in the mornings before.  That is how I finished my second novel.  So perhaps that is what I need to focus on.  The I am definitely not a morning person.

If anyone has any suggestions on how they motivate themselves artistically, I would love to hear your comments.

Lord!  I am a terrible blogger.  No one wants to read someone else’s whining!  Oh well, practice makes perfect.

Somethings Wonderful

Some wonderful things are happening in my life these days.

My niece moved in today, to live with me while she goes to school. This is very cool because I am privileged to be part of her life on a daily basis now. Full of wonder.

I also received a request from a fellow podcaster to be part of his podcast in a way that is incredibly honoring to me. Full of wonder.

Today makes me remember a comic from Tiny Ghosts

tinyghosts240

http://www.tinyghosts.com/archive/tinyghosts240.html

And if you’re not familiar with the webcomic, go read the archive now. You won’t be sorry.

Because LIFE!

There’s a debate going on these days about whether or not it is okay to tell fat people or fat children that they are just fine the way they are. There’s this odd fear that if you do so, you’ll be condoning their “self-destructive” behavior…that shaming or constantly reminding them of their need to change is the only way to move them towards “health.”

Sounds a lot like the fundamentalist Christian attitude toward the LGBT community, but I digress.

Here’s the deal. No one has any right to tell another person how to live their life. No one has any right to shame another person based on their looks.

I am 5’6″ tall and weigh 213 pounds. I waver between a size 16 and 18. And I’m done trying to be something I’m not.

In the past week, I’ve begun choosing joy. I’ve begun looking for happiness in the body that I’m in, rather than hoping for happiness once I’ve changed. There’s no time for that; life is now! I have a trip to London coming up that I’ve been dreaming of since I was a kid. I couldn’t care less what my body looks like for it. I’m not going there to impress anyone. I’m going there to BE. IN. LONDON.

To just be. That is the point of life. To be you. And if you’re fat, be joyous. Why? Because you’re alive, you’re living, and there’s no one else out there that can live it like you.

And let’s look at the lean community’s blatant double-standard. They are so afraid of accepting fat people as they are because being overweight could shorten that person’s lifespan. So…what’s with all these extreme sports? How many lean people die every year from their dangerous sporting choices? A lean body doesn’t do you any good when something goes wrong on your base jump. But such obviously dangerous life choices are okayed and the newly-dead are celebrated because, as their grieving friends will say, “They died doing what they love.”

If we are supposed to celebrate someone who reveled in life-threatening behavior because it gave them joy, then stop staring judgmentally at the fat person enjoying an ice cream cone. You have no idea who they have helped, how much they are loving those who need it, and what contribution they are bringing to society in ways that have nothing to do with their size.

Life is to be lived as each individual chooses to live it. It doesn’t matter when you die as long as you’ve lived your life to your satisfaction.

The Bloggess

You know, you can never tell where encouragement will come from. I’m reading a few more blogs these days and there’s one I can always count on to make me smile and laugh. That’s the Bloggess. The humor she sees in daily life has opened my eyes to my own life in that way and I’m trying to see with humor, too. However, she recently posted a thank-you blog to her readers and it was the sweetest thing. So I thought I’d share it because it reminded me that we are all connected. We never know what little thing we do will have a major impact on someone else’s life. Someone you might not even know. You know, we Christians talk about how we may be meeting “angels unaware.” The truth is, we are all those angels. :) Be encouraged in your life today. You’re an angel to someone.

Those are hair curlers, not a new take on Princess Leia. :D

Those are hair curlers, not a new take on Princess Leia. :D

Comfort

This sounds cliché but I am working hard on letting myself just be myself. I’m a plus size woman and have struggled with my weight all my life. Then I see strong, healthy people like Paul Walker get killed in a car crash and I think, “What did all that fitness do for him in the end?” All this energy and thought time we spend on fretting over our bodies…for what? A few extra years at the end of our life that we are not even guaranteed? I think what is really important (despite that darned desire to just fit in) is that we are giving love and receiving love. I mean, really, if that is happening, if love is happening in our lives then our jeans size begins to shrink in importance, if not in reality. :) It’s hard. It takes fighting decades of ingrained thought processes that make me see myself in pieces and parts instead of how I see my friends and loved ones: as whole people. Their body size is of so little importance to me; I want to see myself that way, too. It takes a huge burden off to let that go. And is a great comfort.

The Foothills of Shasta

A wonderful Christmas was had early today with my dad, my stepmom and me. We had stockings and presents and tonight we will have crab for dinner. CRAB. I love crab. :) Also had fun trying to figure out how to minimize a maximized Safari window on the macintosh. Whew! It has been a really long time since I used a mac regularly. But the interwebs were there for me. We discovered that if you click at the very top of a maximized screen, that the diagonal arrows in the top right corner will return and you can bring the window back to normal. Sheesh! Touchy little thing, this mac. I still hate Windows 8, don’t get me wrong. But figuring this one out was NOT intuitive. And I had two mac users in the room with me! Why computer companies hurt us so?

Otherwise…CRAB! Can’t wait for dinner! Hope you are all enjoying your holidays!

Circuit Class for One

Soooo…one of my worst nightmares is the idea of personal training. I really can’t imagine working out with one person watching you and pushing you to do more and more. It’s kind of like…hell.

I got to circuit class tonight and as time ticked away and the start time came and went with no one else showing up, the young trainer and I took a gander at each other. I had already been in one of Jesse’s circuit classes and he’s a good teacher and leader. It’s just that there’s usually more people. Like…Lots. More. People. It’s easy to hide and modify what you’re doing as you lope along after all the gazelles. But you need a bunch of gazelles. Otherwise there’s just no cover.

Intensity is my middle name.

Intensity is my middle name.

Jesse looks to be about, oh, 20 years old. He’s got a bright smile and kind eyes. Actually everyone at Inner Circle is awesome and when I realized it was just him and me, as the theme to “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly” played in my head, I thought, What the hell. Bring it.

And it was kind of awesome. Whereas in a circuit class full of people, I can’t keep up and have to modify everything, Jesse created a mini circuit just for me. Rowing, box step ups, lunges, squats, body weight rows…all things that were right up my alley. And he did all of them with me. I kept thinking this was probably equivalent to sitting in front of a TV for him effort-wise (he’s super fit), but I just kept going. And when we had done three sets of the mini circuit (he said only THREE SETS), that kid had the AUDACITY to say…”One more set! I think you can do it!”

Oh, good God! He’s doing the personal trainer thing! With his big smile he was like a happy puppy wanting to chase the Frisbee again. And of course I had it in me. I was really glad he pushed me, actually. It reminded me that I’m capable of so much more.

And now I’m sore. But in a good way. :D Tomorrow morning will tell that tale.